Friendship

Upaddha Sutta SN 45.2:

One day, Ananda (Buddha’s cousin) was meditating. When he was awake from his meditation, he suddenly felt an intense happiness and joy overwhelming in him.

With a spark of understanding, he realised the importance and joy in a friendship.

Without delay, he went to the Buddha, the Enlightened Ones to share his realisation.

He implied to the Buddha, the Enlightened One that friendship constitute almost half of a holy life.

However, Buddha replied him, “Don't say that, Ananda. Don't say that. Admirable friendship, admirable companionship, admirable camaraderie is actually the whole of the holy life.

Laypeople and even monks, are all evolving around the circle of people. Good association between human beings are the key of peace

This has been a meaningful sharing I got from Brother Benny during a Dharma Talk today.

This reminds me of a bookmark that I got from the Buddhist Committee Member during the Dharma on Campus Camp.

In the bookmark, it is written there:

“Friendship is the only cure for hatred, the only guarantee of peace”.

-Buddha-

Perhaps, we have almost thought that Buddhism might be mostly all about mindfulness, renunciation, karma and any words Buddhism can be related with.

However, maybe we might have overlooked this simple yet important element in life which is friendship or in a more general meaning called human relationship.

Even when we observe the 5 precepts, we will know Buddha has emphasized a lot on human relationship.

For instance, how would we have observe the 5 Precepts of not killing, not telling lies, no sexual misconduct, and no stealing if there would be no other people or subject for us to act upon?

Therefore, Buddha has stated clearly to us that the very important purpose to observe the Precepts is in order to maintain a good relationship among people in the society. Only with that, we will find inner peace within oneself.

Again, this would certainly shows Buddhism has not rejected people relationship as most of us thought, when we always hear people saying Buddhism is usually about detachment.

Therefore, a good Buddhist will be not be getting rid of his friends, family and people around him but instead radiating the energy of compassion, love and well-being on them.

However, when we mean do not reject human relationship, we do not mean attaching to them as well.

I remember the book written by Ajahn Sumedho who said keeping a relationship attached and peaceful is by detachment.

This sounded confusing, as it will be hard to believe that we can practice detachment and attachment at the same time.

But after deep reflection, this is what I understand.

When we are attached to a friendship, for instance, when we found a friend which we really admire and love being with, we would always want to be with him, and expect him to do the same. This is desire. Therefore, as all beings subject to rise and ceasing, when we got to depart or perhaps, the other friend is not interested to be with us, we get disappointed. This is suffering. We got upset and hurt and we start to hate that friend thus creating a negative energy within us. This is the effect of attachment, and the cause is desire.

Therefore, attachment will only cause anger, frustration, jealousy, sadness and disappointment. We need to identify this cause to overcome sufferings.

On the other hand, it will be useless if we then prefer to just isolate ourselves in the cave or in a dark room and not communicating with others. This will certainly also lead us to loneliness and we might be also be blaming ourselves.

Therefore, attach to detach simply just state that by all means we can make friends and know whoever we want, we love them, we care about them and we concern about them. However, let us remember that there is nothing permanent including relationship. Hence, we will not have desire and we shall just let go of this relationship as the time comes. With this mindfulness, we have kept a harmonious mind and no negative afflictions will ever be created.

Friendship

Therefore, it is very important to be mindful and never be shaded by the shadow of temporary delusions. Holding on a subject too much without realising that it is subject to ceasing will just lead to personal sufferings.

Beauty is an illusion and is subject to decay and impermanence

This is the same in a family too. Parents nowadays have always love their children so much. This is not a bad thing, provided parents have the right understanding and being mindful. However, when they are not, their attachment of love has cause them to have the desire to expect their children to listen to them as well as to get a good score for examination. Therefore, the cause of loving is a desire and desire will only leads to suffering.

Therefore, Buddha’s teaching is universal and to the smallest matters we can always expect. Mindfulness is the only key and ultimate way to peace and happiness.

By putting all together, I have realised that I should not be afraid to be attached with friends, but I must remember that everything is subject to impermanence. If you would ask me what is the way of keeping a successful friendship or relationship according to Buddhism, this will be how I would say it.

As I am ending this, I felt I owe a lot to many Dharma teachers and Sangha for that teaching, directly and indirectly.

Many people have ask me, “What have I learn about Buddhism?”

I think my answer is, “I just learn about one thing- there is still many things I do not know and I need to learn them as much as I can in my this present life”.

May all be well and happy!